Depression.

Its a bitch. I feel like no matter what I do lately there is no break to even attempt to catch. Life is throwing disappointment after disappointment in my direction. I have so much to be thankful for and that makes it even worse. Feeling like what I have isn't enough is beyond disheartening. Feeling like I have absolutely nothing to look forward to is slowly killing me from the inside out. I feel guilty for wanting to just give up. Finding happiness is seeming pretty damn impossible when the chemicals in my brain don't cooperate. 

I keep trying. I'll never stop trying. I'll try until I die. I just hope for my sanitys sake we can catch that break sooner rather than later. 

Someone can only pay so much into the universe while getting nothing in return for so long without wanting to flip it the bird. 

Being a mom doesn't give me that option. I have 2 little people that rely on me nearly every second of the day. Sometimes knowing that makes it better, sometimes worse. It would be a lie if I said I never wished to be free of being needed. 

Today is a true test in creating my own happiness. Today I will stop focusing so much on what needs to be done and focus more on what I want to do. Unfortunately, today what I want to do is nothing and for me, with my children, that is not an option. So, instead I will focus all of my energy into enjoying them and just being present in the moment instead of worrying about the future. Clearly all that worry is amounting to nothing more than self hate .